The Prime Minister has quietly begun floating EU rejoin as a solution to problems it has absolutely nothing to do with. When asked about the current Brexit settlement, Burnham told the BBC it has caused ‘more harm than good’—a statement so carefully hedged it could mean anything from trade friction to the fact that his kettle broke last Tuesday.
What started as a measured critique of post-Brexit economic performance has somehow evolved into serious Westminster chatter about rejoining as a practical fix for NHS waiting lists, energy prices, and apparently the recent shortage of PG Tips in rural Lancashire. One backbencher’s aide was overheard suggesting that Brussels bureaucrats could ‘probably sort out the railways’ if we just signed up for the whole thing again.
The logic is impeccable: the EU has 450 million people and a functioning customs union, so obviously they’re the right organization to consult about why your local Tesco ran out of Earl Grey. Burnham’s team insists he’s merely keeping options on the table. The table, it seems, now includes rejoining a supranational political and economic bloc because the biscuit selection has gotten worse.
Backbenchers are already preparing amendment proposals. One suggests we rejoin specifically for the agricultural subsidies but keep our own tea import tariffs. Another wants to know if we can negotiate a special exemption where Brussels handles infrastructure but Westminster keeps control of breakfast beverages. The civil service is reportedly in talks with EU officials about whether there’s a ‘lite’ membership option that costs less but still fixes everything.
The Brexit settlement caused more harm than good. So naturally, the solution is to undo it via a mechanism that will take seven years and require parliamentary supermajorities. Genius.