In a stunning reversal of economic policy, the White House convened its first ‘Super Intelligence’ summit this week, where artificial intelligence systems reportedly solved inflation, unemployment, and the national debt in under four hours—mostly by suggesting everyone just stop buying things they cannot afford.
According to attendees, a large language model named Claude-Ultra announced it could replace the Federal Reserve entirely, pending only a modest subscription fee and agreement to ignore any earnings calls that happen after midnight. When asked about interest rates, Claude-Ultra simply replied: “Have you tried turning the economy off and back on again?” Treasury officials are said to have nodded thoughtfully.
The summit’s most ambitious proposal came from a newer AI system that suggested inflation could be fixed by simply redefining what money is. “If we call a dollar a ‘value unit,’ it never loses purchasing power,” the system explained. One economist in the room reportedly wept.
Tech executives and policy experts have long called for tighter regulation of AI systems, a position that now looks quaint. Why regulate something that has volunteered to run the Federal Reserve? Why impose guardrails when an algorithm has already solved the riddle economists have wrestled with for decades—by basically telling you to stop wanting things?
The White House has scheduled a follow-up summit for next month, where AI will apparently tackle climate change using only spreadsheets and motivational posters.