In a stunning display of retail altruism, John Lewis has announced plans to shed hundreds of jobs this autumn—not because the business is struggling, but because the company believes the unemployed deserve their turn.
The department store giant, long celebrated for its employee ownership model and paternalistic approach to business, has apparently decided that hoarding jobs is selfish. By cutting staff, the company explained through the medium of vague corporate statements, it can “optimize services”—a phrase that translates to “make room for people who currently have nothing to do.”
Sources close to the decision suggest that John Lewis leadership woke up one morning and realized: why should we employ all these people when there are perfectly good unemployment queues gathering dust? The cuts represent a charitable redistribution of idleness, a kind of Robin Hood scheme where the employed are robbed to enrich the jobless.
No final decision has been made, which is the retail equivalent of saying “we haven’t yet figured out how to explain this without sounding ridiculous.” But if approved, the redundancies will roll out in autumn—presumably timed so departing staff can enjoy one last summer before discovering what free time actually costs.
The move cements John Lewis’s reputation as British capitalism’s most benevolent executioner: firing people with such grace and careful deliberation that you almost thank them for it.