Chancellor Healey has confirmed what we all suspected: the government is about to get creative with your money. Not in the fun way. In the way that involves a spreadsheet, a meeting that could have been an email, and a PowerPoint slide titled “Wellness Initiatives.”
Burnham’s autumn Budget will reportedly include a national mood-boosting programme—because apparently the solution to cost-of-living anxiety is mandatory laughter therapy sessions in your local leisure centre. Forget about mortgage rates or energy bills. What Britain really needs is a government-mandated giggle break, funded by closing loopholes you never knew existed and tax brackets that suddenly feel a lot tighter.
Experts warn there is little room to manoeuvre. Translation: Healey will have to raise taxes somewhere, and the government has decided that somewhere is your payslip. The mood booster budget will be funded by a combination of levies so artfully named they sound like self-help podcasts: a “wellbeing adjustment,” perhaps, or a “mental health contribution threshold.” None of this will make your mortgage cheaper, but at least you will be laughing about it—and if you are not, the government will send someone round to help.
The real joke is not the laughter therapy. It is that this is what passes for economic strategy when you have a 0.1% growth forecast and a population that would settle for simply not getting worse off. Burnham is not wrong that people need a mood boost. He is just wrong about what mood boost people actually want: lower taxes, affordable housing, or literally anything that does not require a government facilitator and a sign-up sheet.